i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
