I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
