Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
