im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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