when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
