it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
