about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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