I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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