You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
