Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I need water and some morals
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
