we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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