the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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