Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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