1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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