This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
