I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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