Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
