Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
