A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
