So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
