You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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