Apparently you make a good broom.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
