I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
