i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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