I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
