And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
