I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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