He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
