end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
