I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
