if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
