Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My vagina is officially offended.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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