gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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