Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
