you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
we're so committed to being not committed
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
