New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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