you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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