last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Randomize
