are you so shy because you have an std?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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