a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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