dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
