i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think my fart just growled at me.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
