And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
