Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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