I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My vagina just recognized that song.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
