You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
