She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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