she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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