she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
