i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
