alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
