so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
